Buffalo Cheez-It Pizza

For about a month, I've been perfecting a bread machine recipe (coming soon) that has a crust that tastes dead on like spicy Cheez-Its. No kidding. It was originally part of a medium-secret sandwich project I've been working on, but the main project has sort of fallen by the wayside at the moment. Meanwhile, I've already made this bread three more times.

Naturally, the remarkable Cheez-It resemblance was begging to be developed into something else besides a loaf of sandwich bread. Maybe something with a greater crust surface area, something with spicy elements that would enhance the Cheez-Ittiness. Aha! How about pizza? Homemade pizza with the essence of Cheez-Its. Go ahead. Say it out loud. Get it out of your system.

Obviously, the first thing you're gonna need to do is eliminate every mention of tomato sauce. How about ranch dressing? You're right, too bland. Yuck. How about ranch dressing mixed up with buffalo sauce? Yeeeees. And what would we most enjoy on a pizza like that? Chicken, obviously. And bacon, because... bacon. Oh, and you know what's great with bacon? Green peppers. And mushrooms are great with everything...

So here it is: A bacon, chicken, mushroom and green pepper buffalo ranch pizza on a jalapeno cheddar onion crust, now simply known as the Buffalo Cheez-It Pizza.

For the crust:

1 1/4 cups of water at room temperature
2 Tbsp powdered milk
1 Tbsp granulated sugar
1 tsp salt
3 1/4 cups white bread flour
2 Tbsp chopped onion
1/2 tsp minced garlic
1 Tbsp minced jalapeno
1/2 cup shredded Cheddar cheese
Pinch of freshly ground black pepper
1 tsp yeast
Additional flour for dusting

For the pizza:

• 8 oz shredded Mexican four-cheese mix (or any Cheddar mix you like... or just Cheddar)
• 6 oz shredded mozzarella
• 1/2 cup ranch dressing
• 1/2 cup buffalo sauce
• 1 green bell pepper, chopped
• 6 shiitake mushrooms, sliced
• 1 grilled chicken cutlet (I deliberately made an extra with dinner the night before so we could use leftover chicken for this), torn into bite-size pieces
• 4 strips crispy cooked bacon, crumbled
• 3 Tbsp butter
• 1 tsp garlic powder
• 1/2 tsp salt
• 1/4 tsp black pepper

1. Enlist the help of your bread machine in advance. Add all the ingredients to the pan in the order listed, then set the machine to Pizza Dough (or Dough Only if there's no Pizza Dough setting). This usually takes at least an hour, so you can do this well in advance if you like. The finished dough can be dusted with flour and wrapped in a ziploc bag, then either refrigerated for a day or two or frozen for weeks. If you refrigerate it, make sure to check periodically that it hasn't continued to rise and busted out of the bag. If you freeze it, give it at least four hours in the fridge to thaw when you're ready to use it.
2. Preheat the oven to 450 (with your pizza stone inside if you're using one).
3. Flour the counter and a rolling pin and roll your dough out to the thickness you prefer in a pizza, probably about 1/8". (If you like, you can do multiple smaller pizzas. This amount of dough rolls out nicely into two 12" pizzas.)
4. Dust some flour over your pan or pizza stone and place your crust carefully onto it. Pinch the edge to make a thick outer ridge, and stab the crust all over with a fork to prevent it from billowing up into a great pizza balloon. 
5. Bake the crust for 8–10 minutes and carefully remove it from the oven.
6. Mix the buffalo sauce and ranch dressing in a small bowl. Spread it all over the pizza crust. Use less sauce if you prefer your pizza dry, more if you like it very wet. Trust your instincts.
7. Add toppings and cheese. Feel free to change the order of operations here, but I like it to go: chicken, Mexican cheese, mushroom, peppers, mozzarella, bacon. Oh, and don't be stingy with the cheese. The measurements given are just an estimate. Everybody likes a different amount, you know? I like lots.
8. In a small bowl, melt the butter. Add salt, pepper, and garlic powder, and brush the mixture all over the outer crust of the pizza. Drizzle the rest over the pizza itself.
9. Put it back into the oven and bake at 450 for 15–20 minutes, or until the crust is a dark golden brown. Remove from oven and allow to set for 5 minutes before slicing.

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What's the matter, rice? Yeller?

Yellow rice is easy, so I make it all the time. I make it for Bananafish, for Catfish Stew, and for a simple rice and beans dinner, and occasionally without even the beans, just with some grilled chicken or something. Although,  in all seriousness, black beans and yellow rice. It's where it's at.

Here's the way.

Easy Yellow Rice
Serves 4

• 1 medium onion, chopped
  
• 1 tbsp olive oil 
• 2 cloves garlic, diced
• 1 diced jalapeno pepper (it's okay to substitute the jarred kind)
• 1 packet of Sazón (from Goya, "con culantro y achiote")
• 2 tsp parsley
• 1 tsp oregano
• Salt and pepper to taste
• 1 cup long-grain white rice 
• 2 1/4 cups low sodium chicken broth

1. Heat the oil over medium-high heat in a medium-sized saucepan. Add the onions and saute for about 3 minutes.
2. Reduce heat to medium. Add garlic and saute, stirring near-constantly, for another 5 minutes or until onions are translucent. Be careful not to brown the garlic. You may need to further reduce the heat to prevent this from happening, depending on your stove.
3. Add spices (including sazon).
4. Stir in the uncooked rice. Add chicken broth, cover, and reduce heat to medium-low. Simmer for 20–30 minutes, or until rice is tender.

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Black beans for people who don't like beans

Who doesn't like beans? Me. I don't like beans. Except for baked beans and, in recent years, black beans. At first, I forced myself to tolerate them. Then I took control. Now I know how to make black beans that are so delicious, they make me forget what black beans normally taste like to me (i.e. unjust punishment, dirt).

Delicious Black Beans
Serves 4–6

• 2 cans black beans, drained
• 1 cup low sodium chicken broth
• 1 jalapeno pepper (sliced from the jar is okay, but fresh is better), diced
• 1 fresh tomato*, chopped
  
• 1 small onion, chopped
• 2 cloves garlic, diced
• 1 tbsp olive oil
• 1 tsp saffron
• 1 tbsp oregano
• 2 tsp cumin
• 1 tsp cilantro
• 1/2 tsp cinnamon

*You can substitute a big scoop of salsa if you have some in the fridge and you're in a hurry.

1. Heat the oil over medium-high heat in a medium-sized saucepan. Add the onions and saute for about 3 minutes.
   
2. Reduce heat to medium. Add garlic and jalapeno and saute, stirring near-constantly, for another 5 minutes or until onions are translucent. Be careful not to brown the garlic. You may need to further reduce the heat to prevent this from happening, depending on your stove.
3. Stir in both cans of beans, the chicken broth, the tomato, and all the spices.
4. Bring to a light boil, then immediately reduce heat to medium and simmer uncovered for about 15 minutes.
5. Serve with something awesome, like yellow rice and Bananafish.

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Squish-Free Potato Salad

If you ask me, potato salad, in all its various styles, is one of mankind's crowning achievements. John, on the other hand, doesn't like it at all. And, I mean, that's okay. He doesn't have to like everything I like. He has rights. This is one of them.

But for some reason I just cannot seem to leave him alone.

So instead of letting John enjoy his carrots and potato chips in peace, I set about interrogating him about what his problem with potato salad was, what potato salad ever did to him, and how he thought he could do it any better. The issue? Texture. The potatoes are too mushy, the mayonnaise is too squooshy, and on the whole it's just something he can live without.

I immediately ran home and made a potato salad with 100% more onion and 50% less mayo, with a little extra egg and celery thrown in. Making it reminded me that although potato salad tends to mean potatoes swimming in mayo, it really can be anything. Potatoes and something. Some kind of salad. And I am definitely not being cocky when I say that this new potato salad is in many ways more salady than its traditional  counterpart. At least, in the way I think of salad it is, but maybe it's less salady in the 1950s-America sense of the word — the one that usually involves jello.
Anyway, I ended up with something crunchy and oniony and just mayonnaisey enough, with all the potato salad tastiness of which I've grown so fond. And it's completely squish-free. Even John likes it!

Squish-Free Potato Salad 

Serves about 6

• 2–3 lbs Yukon Gold potatoes
• 2 medium yellow onions
• 2 stalks celery
• 5 hard boiled eggs
• 1 cup mayonnaise
• 3 tbsp apple cider vinegar
• 2 tbsp coarse mustard
• 1 tbsp extra virgin olive oil
• 1 tsp garlic powder (more if you love garlic potatoes)
• Salt and pepper to taste

1. Cut the potatoes up into 1" cubes and boil in salted water just until fork-tender. Drain and allow to cool.
2. Chop the onion rather coarsely and the celery rather finely and put them into a big bowl. Remove the yolks from the hard-boiled eggs and chop those coarsely into the same bowl.
3. In a small bowl, mix mayo, vinegar, mustard, olive oil, garlic powder, salt and pepper until it is delicious potato salad dressing.
4. Add the potatoes to the big bowl and toss gently with the chopped vegetables. Add the dressing and toss until everything is lightly coated. Chill (seriously, you need to take a breath) and serve with something delightful like cheeseburgers.

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Poseidon's Spring Break in Cancun

We over-shopped the other day when we set out to make Bananafish, so today I had a bunch of extra tilapia that needed to be dealt with. Seemed like a great excuse to take a crack at an old favorite, the fish taco. First, I stood back and asked myself: Kristina, what do you even know about fish tacos?

• They're usually made with fried fish. Hrm. I hate fried fish.
• Quality is key. If I wanted a dried-up piece of processed fish with mayo and some relish, there are a dozen fast food places on our street. COME ON.
• Less is more. Atlanta's Taqueria del Sol serves my favorite fish tacos, with nothing but fish, peppers, and tartar sauce. Six Feet Under, on the other hand, serves some of my least favorite, with jalapeno slaw, which is fantastic on paper but overwhelms the fish. 

Ah, look at that, I thought. I have no idea what I'm doing.
It was clear that the time had come to learn a thing or two about fish tacos, so I looked at what I had in the kitchen, thought long and hard about how not to fry fish, and an hour later, we dined on...

Poseidon's Spring Break Fish Tacos

Makes 8

• 1.5 lbs tilapia fillets
• 3/4 cup panko
• 2 cups fine breadcrumbs
• 1 stick (8 tbsp) margarine
• 2 tbsp coarse mustard
• 2 tsp garlic powder
• 2 tsp salt
• 2 tsp pepper
• 1 tbsp dried parsley
• 2 jalapeno peppers, sliced thin
  
• 8 soft-taco-sized tortillas (look for the low-carb high-fiber whole wheat ones)

...and for the tartar sauce:

• 1 cup mayonnaise
• 1/4 cup sweet relish
• 2 small jalapeno peppers (or about 3 tbsp fresh-pack jalapenos in a jar), diced
• 1 tsp lemon juice
• 2 tsp hot sauce
• Salt and pepper to taste

1. Rinse the fish and cut it into 3/4" x 3/4" x 4" strips.
2. Preheat the oven to 375.
3. In a small bowl, melt the margarine. Add the coarse mustard and garlic powder.
4. Crush the panko so it'll be a bit finer, either by massaging it while it's still in the bag, or with a mortar and pestle, or in a food processor. In a shallow dish, mix the panko, the bread crumbs, salt, pepper and parsley.
5. Make sure the fish is dry (paper towel if you need to). Roll each piece in the margarine/mustard mixture, then coat it in the bread crumb mixture, and lay it out on a teflon- or oil-coated baking sheet. Place it into the oven and cook 8–10 minutes on each side, or until flaky and lightly crisp.
6. While the fish is cooking, mix all the tartar sauce ingredients in a little bowl. Stick it in the fridge until you're ready for it.
7. Assemble the tacos. You don't need me for this part. Grab a tortilla (it's a good idea to warm it up first, but hey, it's your taco), spread tartar sauce on it, stick a couple fish sticks in there, and add as many jalapeno slices as you want/need/can stand. Serve immediately, while it's still hot. Maybe pair it with some nice black beans (also a tasty addition to the fish taco itself, if you care to put some inside), Squish-Free Potato Salad and a cold cerveza. I mean, I don't know. Just thinking out loud.

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